Before leaving for Portland I was listening to Beyoncé’s Lemonade non-stop. I kept thinking, started a blog, about brokenness and working through it all to something stronger. Queen Bey (and fellow United Methodist) names her own stages of grief:

  • Intuition
  • Denial
  • Anger
  • Apathy
  • Emptiness
  • Accountability
  • Reformation
  • Forgiveness
  • Resurrection
  • Hope
  • Redemption

I have been thinking about how can the church arise from grief and brokenness, and end up strong, in formation… since high school and I don’t have any answers.

This morning after having a minor freakout over countdown cards and measuring tape, I realized that I needed space. Thank God it was my soul sister friend who is amazing and asked me if I was grieving and what I was grieving. I texted back:

My innocence? I was never naive. I saw and heard the most unchristian things… And thought bad things.

I posted a status on Facebook and heard from multiple friends from Florida to Portland giving support through memes and wedding photos. The timing of GC with finishing my M.Div hasn’t been ideal, yet, I am supported in my grief. So here I am, trying to finish my Master of Divinity, while feeling the stings of witnessing and feeling spiritual abuse, but holding the hope of new and old friends.

I stand at the precipice of grief unexpectedly. I’ve already done this during the degree and I went through the stages, and from that brokenness became stronger. Now I need to move through the stages again. This time, blasting Lemonade.

2 comments on “grieving after general conference

  1. kinkkink

    I too have not been able to completely put GC behind me. And it’s not even my denomination. But I lived similar pain 10 years ago as the Episcopal Church was going through very similar gyrations. My husband received his M.Div. one year ago. His journey towards ordination included many periods of pain, self-doubt, and questioning. For us, I think the key was finding loving, accepting friends to help. And prayer. Lots of prayer.

    I will hold you in love, and I pray that you find people around you who will do likewise.

  2. I don’t think we can put it behind us as people of faith. Prayer is good, especially the action sort! I’m glad to have your support and am finding friends outside of Methodism to hold some of the grief with me.

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