I am dreading tomorrow. Not because The UMC Bishops’ are talking separation right now, but because I am going to school tomorrow. Now don’t get me wrong, I love my classmates, but as I drove from Portland to Seattle I found myself resisting. So I did what I do when I find weird resistance, I reflected.
The last few days I haven’t wanted to blog, I didn’t know what to say. As someone who goes to a faith community that is a UMC plant, we haven’t chartered yet and I am very aware of the UMC perceptions. Then as someone who goes to an ecumenical seminary, that’s where I pause. My friends who are not Methodist do not get the finer tunings of polity, it’s hard to explain. People just see our lack of inclusion (which is important to see) and often times I am reading about LGBTQIA+ with a breaking heart, with no where for my feelings to fall as an ally.
Here is my humanity broken for you. How am I supposed to tell my classmates in 5 minutes or less, because I am literally getting back in my car and driving back to Portland right after class, what I am feeling and seeing?
The sheer anger I have felt when listening to people from outside of the United States talk about my fellow human beings, where I hold space as an ally is a room where my empathy is suffocating?
Wanting to scream when a woman who is trying to take away a woman’s right to her body, her God given agency, calls herself a feminist?
Feeling repulsed walking by a man who is a gay conversation therapist, knowing that he is also a child of God, but I can’t stop thinking of a classmate who spent 18 months in one of those shameful programs.
How hard it was to hold back my anger and tears until I left the convention center, then when I got out I saw my opposition smiling in victory so I ran across the street trying to get to my hotel room before I really lost it?
Knowing my privilege, yet frustrated because I feel like women, children, and family issues are being neglected. That tension is real and raw for me.
I feel like my soul is bruised and battered, yet I still claim The United Methodist Church as my home. It’s beyond hard to love something so much, to identify with your very being, yet see so many negative things, and not be your best self at the same time.
My humanity is broken and needs grace. It needs to be healed, to remember the hope and possibility because tomorrow is a new day. Tonight I will dream and I will go to class, where I will be loved and lifted up, because I am human and I am broken.
Here is my humanity broken for you, yet, where there is God, there is grace, and there is a new day where resurrection can occur.
PS. I intend to write a post about where I see God and hope soon, promise.